Close your eyes

The meditation night was very chill. No yoga, really, just breathing and being present. Knowing I was probably facing a week where I'd just have to throw expectations out the window, I went with it. Not to say that my mind never drifted toward making lists, but it did not settle there. It just settled pretty well.

So when I was handed a pretty sick boy in the morning, I didn't feel so terribly depleted. But I was surprised at how deeply I fell asleep with him for a nap from at least noon to two. We were on the short couch in the bright family room. At some point he even shifted his body so that it was mostly covering my head, and I didn't care. I just kept sleeping.

How different to have a kid who sleeps in the day, who will not whine, "I'm not tired!" and will just surrender to rest. How did I fuck up so bad that my son has not been able to drop into quiet for a full year without reaching a point of total exhaustion?

That's what I worry about when I think about #2. Can I help this one develop a healthy rhythm. We won't be able to just do whatever whenever because s/he will have a brother who needs rides to school. I'm hoping this helps me establish boundaries and that s/he accepts them instead of that we both are chronically underslept.

And I know I cannot go for seven months without ever handing a baby to a sitter, ever. I have a work identity I don't want to let languish, even if I'm happy to have a babymoon and not have some office I need to race back to. I don't love pumping and I will not do any replacement for breastmilk for a year unless something scary happens. But I cannot, will not get so lost I don't know where I start and the other being begins.

Still going

I'm still pregnant. Temp back up. It's just cold out, I think.

Or maybe there is doubting that played a role. Yesterday saw one of my energy workers who is really into the work of Byron Katie and "is that true? what would you be without that belief?" stuff. I probably needed some of the clearing but was also a little annoyed at how she pushed. Seemed just as righteous as I am about my doubts.

Little boy did fine waiting for me. But he came up with emotional stuff that was about my anger. Funny since part of my "story" was that I am responsible for his suffering (c-section, etc.) and she was trying to get me to throw off that belief. So it's not true but yet it is?

What role do I have in my progeny's health and happiness based on my beliefs?

My first tell

Okay, I'd already told my guy acupuncturist (in person, the day of the first test) and my therapist (via email, while rescheduling). But today I told the woman acupuncturist who said six weeks ago she wanted ovulation closer to 14 days than 21 (and she got it!). She put needles in the points that are used for nausea, among other things, and we were both nearly zapped out of our skin by the charge of electricity. "Wow, your qi is high! I felt that!" I've had a lot of needles stuck in me but I've never had a zap and tingle like that.

Later, I emailed to a friend who recently had a miscarriage because I didn't want to go to yoga and lunch with her next week and later tell her I was/am or had been pregnant. I wasn't sure if she might want a rain check, but she was just so cheery and congratulatory. "How have you been feeling?" she asked.

That was a few hours ago. I've ignored some other emails, too, but I should have replied to this one. The thing is, I don't really want to say that I'm feeling totally normal in my body and totally in some kind of surreal denial in my head.

While I was not replying to emails tonight, I was watching the last episode of season one of "Mad Men." I knew from the "Making of 'Mad Men'" special feature that Peggy was indeed pregnant and that she would have the baby -- and turn away from him -- this season. When my husband said this was the last episode, I couldn't believe there would be no more lead-up. There it was: she just went to the hospital in the beginning stages of labor claiming she ate a bad sandwich.

I don't think my denial will rival Peggy's, but this feels so strange. "Maybe it's just a different pregnancy," the acupuncturist said when I told her that I wasn't noticing any of the symptoms I had at this point the first time around.

Indeed!