I spoke on the phone to a friend today who told me she was pregnant at about the same place I am right now -- probably about 5-6 days further along. She was surprised because she was planning to do some pre-IVF fertility treatment. And then what she thought was a period -- even blogged about it -- was, in fact, just a sign that something was nuzzling into her flesh good and deep. She's now 17 weeks along, a trimester ahead of me.
I didn't say anything.
So far the only people who know are my acupuncturist, an Emotional Freedom Technique practitioner I was supposed to meet with tomorrow but allowed me to reschedule, and the receptionist at the acupuncturist's office who ordered a prenatal vitamin for me. When she called today to tell me it was in, I asked about seeing the doctor on staff for some baseline bloodwork. She wasn't sure, so she put the doctor on the phone. Non-spouse person #4 who knows!
She asked if I was going to do a homebirth and if so, with whom. Uh, I don't know yet. It's, like I said, really, really early. I just wanted to make sure my thyroid is okay and buy myself some time while we interviewed people. That's something I thought would wait for a while, like until we were a little less stunned and more certain this was for real.
She didn't want to draw my blood, said the midwife would do all the labs. Well, okay. I won't come see you, then!
And I don't want to let my friends in just yet. I've been so wishy-washy for so long, not believing it would happen or should happen. I'd like to be a little more clear on the prognosis before I make any pronouncements.
We'll see if my already changing waistline will let that happen.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Show thyself
The thing about being 5’0” and small-boned (normally hovering around 100-106 lbs) is that I start showing almost immediately. At least I did last time, and I swear it can’t be only the pumpkin pie this time around that's making me look so plump and juicy.
I don’t even know if I’m really still pregnant, but it’s like my organs have gotten orders to march north. And since there’s not a whole lot of room to travel, they start sticking out.
Granted, I was not in my most svelt shape before I got knocked up, but I was not one of those people with a gut that you look at and wonder if they’re pregnant… all the time. But now, if I let my back do its natural over-sway, I could easily pass for being halfway along.
I can also stand up straight and suck it in and look okay. But let’s remember; I’m not even five weeks yet.
I think that if this sticks, it’s going to announce itself before I will.
I don’t even know if I’m really still pregnant, but it’s like my organs have gotten orders to march north. And since there’s not a whole lot of room to travel, they start sticking out.
Granted, I was not in my most svelt shape before I got knocked up, but I was not one of those people with a gut that you look at and wonder if they’re pregnant… all the time. But now, if I let my back do its natural over-sway, I could easily pass for being halfway along.
I can also stand up straight and suck it in and look okay. But let’s remember; I’m not even five weeks yet.
I think that if this sticks, it’s going to announce itself before I will.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Reflections on not yet knowing
So I knew it was a possibility. Of course I did. I was clear about being fertile when I said, after my mother-in-law left from her weekend visit, "I'm not convinced about this or about our relationship, but if we're going to try, this is the time." So we did. Three times that week (and none since?).
I'd started to feel like someday I would look back at me being grumpy - complaining about the stress of moving, of my volunteer work, of trying to work for pay - and look back and say, "But you were together and relatively mostly happy, and you wanted a sibling for your son. Why didn't you just try before your ovaries got crusty?"
I disagree with my sister-in-law, who once said, "But don't you think there's never a good time to have a baby? Do you seriously think you would have had a kid if you knew then what you know now?" Of course I would. I don't think life sucks that bad. I knew parenthood was a challenge. I've watched my sisters have and start raising six kids. This is not a complete surprise.
I just didn't want to do it depleted of energy, tired, stressed out and seriously questioning my marriage. But I think seriously questioning my marriage was in fact a way to push off this thing I worried I'd fail at -- conceiving, growing a healthy baby, and, dun-dun-duhn... being able to have a VBAC (preferably at home - an HBAC).
So I figured we should give it a shot. Maybe it will take a long time. We'd waited until we were past a busy October, which meant not having an on-time baby in the middle of the summer (something I kind of wanted to avoid - push it closer to fall so we can still go on trips). I'd done a decent bit of detox. I was eating pretty healthy and not facing a major big deadline of any kind. My son was in school three days a week -- still not enough time, but not bad.
It did occur to me that we'd given in a good shot. And when I got an email noting that BlogHer was in early August, I gasped. "What a bummer to miss that by a few weeks," I worried if by some chance we'd gotten pregnant.
Of course I hadn't yet done the math and thought the conference would be after my due date. "Maybe I could go up there and if I went into labor, drive the hour to my sister's house and deliver there like I saw her do 12 years ago. Maybe I'd have a better chance of getting my own head out of the way if I stayed busy until the very end," I thought.
I told my husband last night about the BlogHer date, and he gave a sympathetic, "Aww..." like he actually got why I wanted to go to this thing and how crazy it would be if we'd actually gotten me seriously knocked up for the long haul such that I couldn't go). That reaction is the best thing to come of this yet!
It also did occur to me about 7-9 days after ovulation when someone at a meeting I was leading told me I looked great, that I was glowing. I kinda thought so, to tell the truth. For one thing, I felt warm. But I also felt good about what I was doing. I'd had another event the previous night at my house that was great, too. I felt pretty in the zone, working toward establishing a career & niche I felt proud of.
The next Monday I got surprisingly busy with a writing project and ate chocolate and drank decaf. I'm normally a pretty healthy mama, but I do make my exceptions when the cortisol is already flying.
I still managed to eat a full healthy lunch, but it was hurried and while on the phone. It was a nutty day, and I was almost 10 minutes late to pick up my son at school.
That night, I had monkey mind, but I wanted to sleep. So I imagined tucking in all my thoughts -- emails to reply to, work to edit, work to write, cleaning to do for Thanksgiving guests, food to purchase. They each got a pillow and blanket, and I told them to take a rest.
And then we all did.
Until the next morning, when I ushered my manic son out of the bedroom so my husband could sleep a while longer and I could pee on a stick without an adult audience.
And the rest is history.
I'd started to feel like someday I would look back at me being grumpy - complaining about the stress of moving, of my volunteer work, of trying to work for pay - and look back and say, "But you were together and relatively mostly happy, and you wanted a sibling for your son. Why didn't you just try before your ovaries got crusty?"
I disagree with my sister-in-law, who once said, "But don't you think there's never a good time to have a baby? Do you seriously think you would have had a kid if you knew then what you know now?" Of course I would. I don't think life sucks that bad. I knew parenthood was a challenge. I've watched my sisters have and start raising six kids. This is not a complete surprise.
I just didn't want to do it depleted of energy, tired, stressed out and seriously questioning my marriage. But I think seriously questioning my marriage was in fact a way to push off this thing I worried I'd fail at -- conceiving, growing a healthy baby, and, dun-dun-duhn... being able to have a VBAC (preferably at home - an HBAC).
So I figured we should give it a shot. Maybe it will take a long time. We'd waited until we were past a busy October, which meant not having an on-time baby in the middle of the summer (something I kind of wanted to avoid - push it closer to fall so we can still go on trips). I'd done a decent bit of detox. I was eating pretty healthy and not facing a major big deadline of any kind. My son was in school three days a week -- still not enough time, but not bad.
It did occur to me that we'd given in a good shot. And when I got an email noting that BlogHer was in early August, I gasped. "What a bummer to miss that by a few weeks," I worried if by some chance we'd gotten pregnant.
Of course I hadn't yet done the math and thought the conference would be after my due date. "Maybe I could go up there and if I went into labor, drive the hour to my sister's house and deliver there like I saw her do 12 years ago. Maybe I'd have a better chance of getting my own head out of the way if I stayed busy until the very end," I thought.
I told my husband last night about the BlogHer date, and he gave a sympathetic, "Aww..." like he actually got why I wanted to go to this thing and how crazy it would be if we'd actually gotten me seriously knocked up for the long haul such that I couldn't go). That reaction is the best thing to come of this yet!
It also did occur to me about 7-9 days after ovulation when someone at a meeting I was leading told me I looked great, that I was glowing. I kinda thought so, to tell the truth. For one thing, I felt warm. But I also felt good about what I was doing. I'd had another event the previous night at my house that was great, too. I felt pretty in the zone, working toward establishing a career & niche I felt proud of.
The next Monday I got surprisingly busy with a writing project and ate chocolate and drank decaf. I'm normally a pretty healthy mama, but I do make my exceptions when the cortisol is already flying.
I still managed to eat a full healthy lunch, but it was hurried and while on the phone. It was a nutty day, and I was almost 10 minutes late to pick up my son at school.
That night, I had monkey mind, but I wanted to sleep. So I imagined tucking in all my thoughts -- emails to reply to, work to edit, work to write, cleaning to do for Thanksgiving guests, food to purchase. They each got a pillow and blanket, and I told them to take a rest.
And then we all did.
Until the next morning, when I ushered my manic son out of the bedroom so my husband could sleep a while longer and I could pee on a stick without an adult audience.
And the rest is history.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Due Date Reality
Okay, so I knew it would be August, but I wasn't quite thinking the very beginning of the month. I just used a calendar at Discovery Health and came up with a due date of August 3. Holy shit!
If this is for real -- the pregnancy, I guess I should probably not register for BlogHer (Aug. 6-7). It's not too far away this year. Why can't it be in July again?
First trimester ends January 19.
Second trimester ends May 4.
I was thinking of doing a sub job in April-May. I guess that is still doable.
August 3.
There's a whole month of summer left after that. Ayayay.
If this is for real -- the pregnancy, I guess I should probably not register for BlogHer (Aug. 6-7). It's not too far away this year. Why can't it be in July again?
First trimester ends January 19.
Second trimester ends May 4.
I was thinking of doing a sub job in April-May. I guess that is still doable.
August 3.
There's a whole month of summer left after that. Ayayay.
Day Three & Four
I'm not sleeping well. Worked all day on Thanksgiving and all day prior prepping. Didn't sleep well last night, could not for the life of me sleep on Thursday night. Okay during the day but this nighttime insomnia sucks. Is it physical? Emotional because I'm not sure how much I want this? Or because of family in town?
I will say it felt very weird not to tell my friend. Less so to skirt around the issue when my sister-in-law looked at our two-bedroom upstairs and asked if we wanted more kids or if I was conflicted. Nice in. "Yes, I'm a little conflicted. I didn't want to do anything while we were stressed out and moving. We'll see."
Took a great run yesterday. I have to do that more often. I need to feel good if this is going to be good.
Wondering what to do about clothes since I really need some basic winter items. If this sticks, I could be showing in three weeks. Was last time (but that was summer).
I will say it felt very weird not to tell my friend. Less so to skirt around the issue when my sister-in-law looked at our two-bedroom upstairs and asked if we wanted more kids or if I was conflicted. Nice in. "Yes, I'm a little conflicted. I didn't want to do anything while we were stressed out and moving. We'll see."
Took a great run yesterday. I have to do that more often. I need to feel good if this is going to be good.
Wondering what to do about clothes since I really need some basic winter items. If this sticks, I could be showing in three weeks. Was last time (but that was summer).
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Day Two
So here's what I am thinking. I had an accident running into a glass door I didn't see, which caused me to take most of my son's craniosacral therapy appt. a few days later, to make one a week after that for myself, and to make another for a few weeks after that. And to chill out and not do too much. And to get more acupuncture, including with the woman who specializes in fertility.
The CST guy said the blow seemed to give him an in to address my birth trauma in a new way. And he might have said something about pituitary.
I know for sure that when I said, "I think I ovulated a few days ago, and this month we actually remembered to have sex, so we'll see," he replied, "Yes, there is some business going on down there.
So many hands on and around my body, helping it to be open to this.
Is my mind?
The CST guy said the blow seemed to give him an in to address my birth trauma in a new way. And he might have said something about pituitary.
I know for sure that when I said, "I think I ovulated a few days ago, and this month we actually remembered to have sex, so we'll see," he replied, "Yes, there is some business going on down there.
So many hands on and around my body, helping it to be open to this.
Is my mind?
Night One
I can't even remember what I said to evoke this response, but when my husband said, "Yeah, you're pregnant," the words shivered me. Yowza. For real. First try.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Day One (day 13 since ovulation)
Temp still up so I took a test. Want to know before family arrives for Thanksgiving. Son asks me what I'm doing with my vagina & penis. Faint, but positive - one of the ones with a plus sign. Wait, it's the default line that is faint. Preg line is darker. Pay no attention. It's there.
Husband sleeps in. We're halfway through breakfast when he bounds down the stairs like I've never heard & hugs me. "We'll see!" I offer.
Amazing how this motivates me to do what know is healthy - made fresh juice, go to the yoga class I was thinking of checking out. After, I buy another test at Eckerd -- one that says it can tell before your period is due (the other didn't). Not the best pee to use, but I've been holding it for a while.
I take the test is a stinky stall outside the pharmacy and stuff it in my purse. Walk to the car. Before I put the key in, I find the faint second pink line and drive to the acupuncture appt.
He says I'm in a good place. Let's hope. I think.
Husband sleeps in. We're halfway through breakfast when he bounds down the stairs like I've never heard & hugs me. "We'll see!" I offer.
Amazing how this motivates me to do what know is healthy - made fresh juice, go to the yoga class I was thinking of checking out. After, I buy another test at Eckerd -- one that says it can tell before your period is due (the other didn't). Not the best pee to use, but I've been holding it for a while.
I take the test is a stinky stall outside the pharmacy and stuff it in my purse. Walk to the car. Before I put the key in, I find the faint second pink line and drive to the acupuncture appt.
He says I'm in a good place. Let's hope. I think.
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