Alone in a hotel

Well, I guess I'm not ever really alone anymore, am I? I would still call what I'm feeling more like squiggles than anything else. And I guess I probably feel them each day, but still nothing that is unmistakable shouting, "I am here and I am for real! We are two!"

I have been trying to work toward some writing goals to reach before July, and in the midst of February (never my favorite month) and on the rebound from two weeks of being snowbound, I almost thought it was silly to come to this writing conference. I should just sit and write, I thought, not go to yet another thing to learn to be a better writer. ("Because you're not very good?" my son asked when I explained the reason for me taking off for a day and two nights. Guess I didn't explain that very well.)

And then I felt guilty that the other writing mamas coming with me wanted to stay a second night, which I just can't swing. But I am warming to the idea of a different locale for a non-conference writing getaway. I wouldn't mind paying two nights in a hotel if I knew I would be in the room a lot to write and could use a fitness center, walk to a decent restaurant or two, take a break to walk on a beach or just somewhere interesting.

That sounds lovely, and probably a good idea to make happen in the remaining 5.5 months I have with the baby on the inside.

Trying to get my groove back

It was nice to meditate Monday night and to go to that great meeting Thursday night, but I also had to organize the Thursday night meeting, I had to work Tuesday and Wednesday nights, and I still have a bunch of freelance and volunteer work to do.

So after two days of no television -- just sleep, rest, play and cooking with my son -- let the screens come out. I tried to attend to some business on the computer and I let him do some watching. Yesterday I couldn't even take him to an errand, he was so whiny about the cold. I had to put him on my back in the Ergo while I finished up work for the meeting and then do my errand while the sitter was here. It was actually nice to be alone in the car. But he was a real tough one to be around when I got back.

He wanted me. I couldn't give me. It was a struggle.

I really hope he will turn a corner at four. I can't imagine how we'd deal with a baby in this mix if I were 7 months ahead of myself gestationally. As it is, he keeps wanting to put his hand up my shirt -- on my back, on my expanding belly -- and on my face if I'm holding him. He kept licking me when he was in the Ergo.

Part of me feels like he needed a sibling long ago. The other part wonders if he -- and I -- will ever be ready.

Close your eyes

The meditation night was very chill. No yoga, really, just breathing and being present. Knowing I was probably facing a week where I'd just have to throw expectations out the window, I went with it. Not to say that my mind never drifted toward making lists, but it did not settle there. It just settled pretty well.

So when I was handed a pretty sick boy in the morning, I didn't feel so terribly depleted. But I was surprised at how deeply I fell asleep with him for a nap from at least noon to two. We were on the short couch in the bright family room. At some point he even shifted his body so that it was mostly covering my head, and I didn't care. I just kept sleeping.

How different to have a kid who sleeps in the day, who will not whine, "I'm not tired!" and will just surrender to rest. How did I fuck up so bad that my son has not been able to drop into quiet for a full year without reaching a point of total exhaustion?

That's what I worry about when I think about #2. Can I help this one develop a healthy rhythm. We won't be able to just do whatever whenever because s/he will have a brother who needs rides to school. I'm hoping this helps me establish boundaries and that s/he accepts them instead of that we both are chronically underslept.

And I know I cannot go for seven months without ever handing a baby to a sitter, ever. I have a work identity I don't want to let languish, even if I'm happy to have a babymoon and not have some office I need to race back to. I don't love pumping and I will not do any replacement for breastmilk for a year unless something scary happens. But I cannot, will not get so lost I don't know where I start and the other being begins.

Second shift at SAHM

My son is sick. Not super sick, but I knew I had to keep him home from school. He wouldn't have had the stamina to make it through the day. I could tell.

It was just a little cough and looked kind of under the weather. So I took him to the Vitamin Shoppe, the post office (though we left, it was so crowded), to Trader Joe's on the way home to get onions for soup. And I let him watch some DVD when we got home, which turned him into a monster when it was time to stop. And before he went to bed, we could tell the fever was coming.

I was supposed to get a lot of work done today. I got nada. I can't concentrate on writing an article now. Tomorrow is going to be more of the same but possibly worse.

Am I really going to never, ever, ever have any time for just me come August? I know that babies sleep a lot - maybe only in a sling like the first one. At least then I can type and make some food. But moms who are nursing around the clock have to sleep a lot, too. And I'll have a kid to pick up from school so naps can't just go unchecked from 1 to 4 p.m. like they used to. I was trying to explain this to my husband and used simply the phrase "picked up" to which he replied that our son would be older and not asking to be held so much then. "No, like from another place. I will have to leave the house instead of stay in bed."

I tried to sell off my registration to a meditation/yoga night so I could do some work instead, but no one bit. I realized that tomorrow will probably suck, and this may be my only break or time for me. So I shall go.