Last night I laid all my fears out there in bed with my husband. Fears about not feeling bonded to this embryo, not singing to it every morning like I did with my son, not even feeling pregnant or really believing it, being disappointed about the pregnancy making me miss BlogHer, worrying about having a successful homebirth without doing something unsafe for the baby. Even though I seriously think unnecessary c-sections are really shitty for babies, I have to believe that mine was necessary and I worry that I could beat the odds and have another short-cord or other funky issue.
I talked about wanting to honor the fact that my 4'11" grandmother had 6 babies at home without a problem as far as I know. That my 5'2" mother had five babies vaginally (not naturally, but vaginally). Lots of people do this. Can I get out of my own way? Do I have to go through a whole bunch of Birthing from Within therapy or hypotherapy, or can I just ride the denial wave, imagine my baby falling out of me like happened to a denial-promoting friend twice?
This and so much else.
I needed to cry.
He said the best thing he could have, that it was okay to have doubts. Right.
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